(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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NUN AND GASOLINE

A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that's what I call faith!"

[from Michael Grice, via Mikey's Funnies]
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IRS AGENT

An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"

"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.

"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.

"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"

"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.

"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "but if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"

[from Leon Taylor, via GCFL.net]
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AMERICAN IN ENGLAND

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex.

We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb.

Soon our benefactor returned, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

[LABLaughs]
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CAT AND MOUSE

There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. Then one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, however, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave.

While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat, and if there's no cat I can go for my walk."

So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"

[LABLaughs]
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DIVORCE?

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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COMPUTER PROBLEM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T  error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out....   I  D  1  0  T

I used to like Bob!

[source unknown]
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SQUIRRELS

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will?

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

Only the third church succeeded in keeping away the pests. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

[Aiken Drum]
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A BIT MORE SERIOUS

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

[Aiken Drum]
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OVERBOARD!

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell MAN OVERBOARD!" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an 'officer' fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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BAPTIZED TOO?

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.

So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

[Aiken Drum]
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NEW MATH

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry.

"It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"

[LAB Laughs]
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PARKING PROBLEM SOLVED

A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down the street. Some Jews were unable to find a parking space in their own parking lot because members of a nearby Baptist church, which met earlier on Saturday morning for revival meetings, got there first.

So, the Jewish synagogue had a problem. What should they do???

Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they could have patrolled their lot on Saturday mornings. Or they could have written a letter to the offending church members, imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.

Instead, they had bumper stickers printed.

One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in their lot -- Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read: "I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH !!!"

No more parking lot problems!

[Aiken Drum]
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BEST LANDING?

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

[andychaps_the-funnies]
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INFANT RABBIT

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its stepsiblings.

As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem.

He told them he felt different from his stepsiblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their response was....

"Don't SCURRY, be HOPPY."

[LABLaughs]
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CAT ATE THE SALMON

A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.

"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."

[Colorado Comments]
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On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]




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