(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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BEING HELPFUL

Two church teens were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.

She tried slamming the door again, really put her back into it, but with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

Convinced these were rude young people sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
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KINDERGARTEN

My youngest child was thrilled when her turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure that we had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, I woke everybody early -- so early that it was still dark.

I was dressing when my little daughter came into my room looking troubled.

"What's wrong?" I asked, mustering as much cheerfulness as I could at that hour.

She blurted out, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school!"
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MAKING BABIES

A Mommy just told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with human babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
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MARRIAGE

Two teen-age brothers were discussing marriage.

Chris: I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman, and a woman who'll make me happy.

Brian: The older brother said, "Make up your mind."
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PUPPY

Little boy to woman holding puppy: "Don't let him off your lap."

Why, "said the woman?"

The little boy replied, "because he isn't housebroken."
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FAIR FIGHT?

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
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FLOWERS

The Sunday School teacher was teaching a lesson on creation to a class of children. "Now, children," she said, "Who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the seed?"

"God does it," answered one little girl, "but fertilizer helps."
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CRAPS OKAY -- BUT NO PRAYING?!!

A teacher went into her classroom fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys down in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded to know what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We're shooting craps."

She said, "Oh, that's all right. I was afraid you were praying."

Editors note: If this doesn't concern you, IT SHOULD!
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GEOGRAPHY CLASS

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.

George: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: George!
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BETTER DEAL

A lady wanted her 5-year-old son to attend Sunday morning church service, but she couldn't sit with him because she sang in the choir. So, she asked the boy's grandfather to accompany the boy. Knowing the older gent always nodded off during services, the lady offered her son fifty cents to keep him awake.

Half-way through the sermon the lady glanced from the choir loft and saw/heard her snoring relative. Upon questioning the boy after Church as to why he didn't do his "paid" job of keeping grandfather awake, the boy said that grandfather offered him a dollar to let him sleep.
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SNOOZE CONTROL

My three-year-old daughter, Patty, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Patty kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, with her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Patty marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

My wife, Lani, woke from her 'doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
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SWEARING?

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it." he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't know even what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johhny corrected. "It means the car won't start."
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CHECK-OUT THE FAMILY

A concerned Father asked his daughter if her latest 'boy friend' was serious about their relationship.

"I'll say he is Daddy," she replied... "Why just last night he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves, and if you guys are easy to get along with."
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LEMONADE BARGIN

Sign on a small-fry's lemonade stand: "Lemonade 25 cents a glass."

10 cents if you bring it back fast enough so I can use the ice again."
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FLOWERS FOR SALE

My neighbor discovered my seven-year-old on her doorstep with a bunch of pussy willows in hand.

When he told her they were for sale for $1, she replied, "But, Jeff, I can pick all I want in my own back yard for nothing.

With a big grin he countered, "Oh, no, you can't - these are them."
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ENGLISH LESSON

Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a sentence with a 'direct object.'

Bobby stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the 'direct object'?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.
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LISTENING FOR JESUS

A mother and her 3 year old daughter were riding in a car when suddenly the little girl put her head on her mother's chest and began to listen.

"What are you doing?" mom asked.

"I'm listening for Jesus in your heart," was the reply.

"Well what do you hear?"

The innocent child looked up with the satisfied look of discovery in her eyes and said, "Sounds like he's making coffee to me!"
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WHERE'S BARNEY?

A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough. She kept up a non-stop conversation while the nurse was trying to listen to her lung sounds. Finally, the nurse said, "Shhh, I have to hear if Barney is in there."

The child looked at her and calmly stated, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
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COOKING CLASS

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."
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LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted.

"My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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