(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride in the cab of the tractor while plowing. After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a cool drink and lunch.

"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?" Grandma asked.

Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out or putting it back, but we're making it WIDER."
[Aiken Drum]
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WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS!

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age; particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
[Andy Chap]
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LESSON OF JONAH

A Sunday school teacher was teaching about Jonah:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord out of my distress and He answered me'." (Jonah 1:17 -- 2:2,10)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"
[off-the-church-walls]
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HAPPY MEAL

In church this past Sunday, we celebrated Communion. During the "children's sermon," the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.

"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast.' What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"

I turned to the boy next to me, and he said: "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"
[Twisted Straw]
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ALLERGIC?

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.

She replied, "quot;I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."quot;

The person asked, "quot;Are you allergic to cats?"quot;

The girl said, "quot;I don't know.... I don't eat cats."quot;
[Tim Davis]
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T-E-Q-U-I-L-A

Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search.

A short time later he came back to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it," he said.

"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.

Little Johnny replied, "Tequila Mockingbird."
[Aiken Drum]
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ANIMAL NOISES?

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions about animal sounds.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?" "It goes moo, teacher."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow, teacher."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa, teacher."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" "Errr..., it goes... CLICK!"

[JokeBank]
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UNIQUENESS OF ADOPTION

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members.

One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl said, "I know all about adoptions because I was adopted."

"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.

"It means," replied the girl, "YOU GREW IN YOUR MOMMY'S HEART INSTEAD OF HER TUMMY."
[Andy Chap]
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MISSING HOMEWORK

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."
[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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ORIGINAL BLESSING

Three-year-old Cathy was making great progress on learning to ask the blessing at mealtime - and she was also an accomplished reciter of nursery rhymes.

One night she became confused because there was company present. Her prayer sounded like this: "Bless 'em hot, bless 'em cold, bless 'em in the pot, nine days old."
[Becky Shiles]
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ENTHUSIASM

Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard that day.

"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?"

No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.

"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"

Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

"Who would like to do the third problem, division?"

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right

"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?"

Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.

"Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?" "The Bible says to go forth and multiply!"
[Aiken Drums]
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IT'S A FAD

My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."

Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.

"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do too."   [Reader's Digest]
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THE CHALLENGE

Students were told to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."   [Sir Gerry]
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WHEN THE MINISTER CALLS...

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the Bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added -- "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

[from Joseph Hillebrandt, via Keith Todd]
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TIPPING THE PIZZA DUDE

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when Jason, a college boy, delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" questioned the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."   [Robert J. Elkins]
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PROOF AT LAST

When my daughter was three, we watched 'SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS' for the first time.

The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound.

Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious.

As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up.

"See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."   [Reader's Digest]
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MARIAN

A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"

Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know."

"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."   [Terry Magnum]
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DRINK OF WATER

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later he called out, "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"   [Klean Jokes]
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MOM'S PAYDAY

Unhappy at the state of Junior's room, his mother came up with a new rule. Each time she had to pick something up off the floor of his room, Junior would have to pay her a dime.

At the end of the week, she added up the chores and demanded ninety cents.

Junior paid her and said, "Thanks, Mom.

Keep up the good work!"   [Andy Chap]
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HURT DADDY

My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes.

That's when I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head.

He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said

in a concerned voice,

"Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"

After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply,

"Not physically."   [Reader's Digest]
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Psalms 8:2 (NKJ)   "Out of the mouth of babes . . ."

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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