A Dieter's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips were Fanny
May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in
the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were
there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down
to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a
clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then
threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent
thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with
eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and
slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes
tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak
one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away
pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to
nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I
laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went
straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the
bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if
temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night in the morning I'll
starve. . . 'till I take that first bite! Try my seafood diet, I see
food , I eat it.
[ Suz and AllWorld's Jokes Archive -- from Jeff Nickerson ]
Inspirational Humor
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