A Week at the Gym
For my birthday this year my wife purchased a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in
great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in
high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it. I called and made reservations with someone named
Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with
how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Tanya suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.
-
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but
worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
ten points. I enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
-
Day 2. It took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door,
but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this
heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it,
for heaven's sake! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth while. My muscles ALL feel GREAT.
-
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
-
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a
full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to
lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
-
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. If there
was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her
with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand
me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a
music teacher, or social studies?
-
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine,
wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.
-
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.
Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more
fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
[ Author Unknown -- from Thomas Ellsworth, via 'Good Clean Funnies List' (gcfl-info@gcfl.net) ]
Inspirational Humor
SkyWriting.Net
All Rights Reserved.
|