Airline Cabin Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
-
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating,
you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently
having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant
announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
-
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
-
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have.
-
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
-
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."
-
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-
After a particularly rough landing during thunder-
storms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest
flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
-
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
-
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
-
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
-
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
to shore and take them with our compliments."
-
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
-
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them
are on this flight!"
-
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on
the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know
what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
-
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
-
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
-
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why,
no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
-
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."
-
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of USAirways."
-
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on
this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em,
you can smoke 'em."
-
A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made
an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... "OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said,"Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
Inspirational Humor
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