An Ode to Customer Service

I have a little problem.
So, I call you on the phone
I'm given numbered options
To punch them each by tone.

After hitting number 7,
Then 2, 8, 6 and pound,
A short recording tells me
That no operators can be found.

They're busy helping others
And would I hold, this once?
Because my call is SO important.
What am I?  A dunce?

My call's not so important
That I'll spend an hour on hold,
While my shoulder aches,
my patience bakes,
And my coffee grows green mold.

Nothing your recording says
Can cause me to believe
That my call will be taken
In the order it was received.

So, down I put the telephone
And up I pick the modem
To find solutions, on your site,
And, once found, download 'em

I calmly wait while DNS
Looks up your URL,
Until your server answers
Your home page front door bell.

I wait for frames to paint themselves,
My solution to begin.
And then, I wait for plug-ins
So I can see your logo spin.

I wait to get an audio file,
Greetings from your CEO.
He doesn't get the Internet.
But, he loves the radio.

I wait for a picture of
Your building is on my screen
And I realize there are things
That should not be heard nor seen.

Finally, there's a menu
And I poise my mouse to click.
But first, a Java applet! "Starting Java.
"I know that won't be quick.

The menu choices indicate
You know yourselves full well.
You know all about your company
And that's what you want to tell.

But, where's the button, I can push,
That takes me to the page
That solves my problem?  Feels my pain?
And soothes my mounting rage?

There, in the lower corner,
Down by the copyright,
There's a little tiny icon
That looks as if it might ...

Be a link to customer service.
My troubles soon will quit!
I click upon it and I see ...
A 404 (file not found)... Oh, gee

And when I finally reach the page
That promises relief,
I'm staring at a document
That's far beyond belief.

For, where there should be answers
To frequently asked questions
And online help and knowledge-bases,
Is naught but indigestion.

For, there in type italics,
Underlined and bold,
Is the number for
The help desk phone.
I should have stayed on hold!

[ by Jim Sterne -- from 'Aiken Drum' (Aiken@AikensLaughs.com) -- Ed:Anon. ]