At the DMV
It recently occurred to me that my driver's license was about to
expire. By "recently," I mean "seven months and three days after it
expired." Not wanting to risk getting a ticket, I went immediately to
the "DMV," which stands for "Devils, Maniacs, and Villains."
I have found that at the DMV there are folks who are very cheerful
and friendly. These are the people who have just arrived at the
place. Two hours into the line, everyone is a fascist, full of
righteous anger at everybody else just for existing.
The first step for me is to get into a line designed for people who
need to be told they are in the wrong line. I'm advised that the
woman behind the counter is there only for individuals wishing to
obtain a license to drive a vehicle shaped like a giant hotdog in a
bun.
"Does that even ever happen?" I demand of her.
She shrugs. "Once."
"Wouldn't it make sense for you to handle other types of driver's
license?" I press.
She nods. "I also do cars shaped like sausages."
I decide to wait in the queue for the man at the Information kiosk.
He's the sort of person who is always holding his head, as if
containing an impending explosion. I approach cautiously.
"Can you tell me which line is for obtaining a new driver's license?"
I ask him.
He squeezes his head, turning his eyes into slits. "What kind of
driver's license? For a truck? Wingless airplane? Wiener mobile?"
"Just for a car," I assure him.
"What kind of car?" he counters.
"What? Oh, a Ford."
"What color."
"What color? White, it's white."
He runs his hands up the sides of his head so that his hair sticks
out between his fingers in mad-looking squirts. "Two door or four
door?"
"Two door. Look..."
"Convertible?"
"Huh? No, it's a hardtop."
"A two door white Ford hardtop," he reiterates.
"Exactly."
He shakes his head by moving his hands back and forth. "We don't
have a special line for something like that."
"What do you mean? Lots of people drive cars like that!" I demand
agitatedly.
"We don't break it out by car type. If you want a driver's license,
it doesn't matter what kind of car you drive. Unless obviously it is
shaped like a hotdog or something," he explains patiently.
The next person I talk to is much more helpful. "First we need to do
an eye test. Can you see the eye chart behind me?"
I spot a completely blank sheet of paper suspended over her head.
"Yes, but I can't actually see anything on it," I tell her.
"Oh, that's okay. It used to have little symbols, but those were
offensive to people who thought some of the symbols might be
interpreted as religious. Then we had letters, but that was
offensive to people who couldn't read. Then we just had different
sized dots, but that was offensive to people who are offended by
different sized dots. So we decided to go with a blank sheet of
paper." She peers at me. "You're not offended, are you?"
"Heavens, no."
"Good. Come back when you've finished your written test."
"There's a test? I didn't know there would be a test."
She shrugs.
"Look, I'm...I'm very offended by the idea there's a test."
She snaps her gum. "Nice try."
I am handed a sheet of paper and a test booklet, and I slink off to a
small room divided into cubbyholes. Well, even without studying, I
figure I've been driving for years, and probably can intuit my way
through the exam.
Question one: When driving a six-axle live animal transport with
Gross Vehicle Weight greater than 8,000 lb down a 6%-grade multi-lane
highway, you are required to maintain a brake line hydraulic pressure
of (blank) PSI.
"Psst," the guy in the cubbyhole next to me hisses. "What's the
Gross Vehicle Weight for a car shaped like a hot dog?"
"With or without the bun?" I shoot back. He gives me a panicked
expression.
After failing the test, I wind up in another line. Waiting for the
pay phone.
To call for a ride home.
~ Bruce Cameron ~
[ By:
W. Bruce Cameron Copyright © 2005 -- {used with permission} ]
Inspirational Humor
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