Bad Fat Coffee
For most of the past ten years I've eaten a low-fat diet, only I've
put butter on it. My reasoning has been that in order for vegetables
to be good for you, you have to eat them, so soaking them in cheese
sauce is better, and cheese sauce with bacon grease is best. (In
fact, my Aunt Liddy makes a cheese-and-bacon sauce so heavenly you can
skip the vegetables entirely.)
Recently, scientists have declared that there are actually two types
of fat: bad fat, which is found in everything you eat, including
probably water, and good fat, which can be found only in unicorn horns
and fairy dust.
For example, I read the other day that some scientist says there is
even bad fat in decaffeinated coffee, though regular coffee seems to
be okay. The scientist, Dr. D. B. L. Espresso, said that all the
people who switched to decaf for their health should switch back for
the same reason.
Actually, his name is H. Robert Superko, M.D., and the study was
known as the Coffee And Lipoprotein Metabolism Study, or "CALM," as
they called it.
So when I got up this morning I brewed regular coffee, even though I
usually drink an entire pot of decaf. My body, deprived of its usual
dose of bad fat, began craving Aunt Liddy's bacon-and-cheese sauce on
toast.
But I didn't care. I wasn't hungry, I was full of energy! I drank
more coffee and took a shower, singing several songs that I made up on
the spot, like "Uh-Oh, There's No Soap" and "Showerhead, I Love Thee."
I'm actually a talented songwriter!
Then I put in a call to the White House, outlining my plan for how to
keep America on the right track this century, which basically was "Put
Bruce Cameron in Charge of Everything." I didn't actually reach the
President but the person who answered must have been taking notes on
what I said because she kept begging me to slow down. Eventually she
asked me if there was another language in which I would feel more
comfortable.
"Yes!" I told her gleefully. I put that on my list of things to do.
-
Learn to speak more comfortable languages.
-
Arrange a summit for World Peace (Wednesday?)
-
Talk to Janet Jackson about recording my Showerhead song.
Maybe go dancing with her later?
-
Why shouldn't I drive a Corvette?
I realized that the more coffee I drank, the more I drank--I was
spastically sipping the stuff and was almost through the entire pot.
But why not make more coffee? There was no bad fat!
A telemarketer phoned and we talked for 45 minutes. I was a little
hurt that after the second time we were disconnected he refused to
take my call, especially since I wasn't finished explaining my plan
for his company to sell Liddy's Bacon-and-Cheese Sauce over the phone,
with the proceeds to go to the charity that I would be heading up with
Janet Jackson as my co-chair and dancing partner.
I decided to stop drinking coffee when I realized that my fingers
were so jittery they were typing things just by resting on the
keyboard. I tried to reach Dr. H. Robert Superko, the scientist in
charge of lipoproteins, to tell him that I might be a lot of things,
but I sure as heck wasn't CALM.
Just after noon I began to experience the sort of headache you get
when you accidentally get your brain caught in a paper shredder. I
had to stop writing my U.N. speech and lie on the floor. My dog took
this to mean we were trading places and went in to sleep on my bed.
"Call 911," I told him feebly. "I've got dancing lipoproteins."
A few hours later the room stopped heaving long enough for me to fall
into bed, which the dog didn't seem to appreciate. I lay there and
vibrated, my heart fibrillating wildly.
So switching to regular coffee may not be as healthy as the good
folks at CALM say it is.
Some of us just need that bad fat.
~ Bruce Cameron ~
[ by
W. Bruce Cameron Copyright © 2007, (bruce@wbrucecameron.com) -- {used with permission} ]
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