Camping Guidelines
- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A
hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between
your toes.
- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
Steer clear of those named for landfills.
- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss
Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade
functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
- Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to
stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch,
however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the
wilderness experience.
- You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the
north side of your compass.
- You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing
into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
- The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should
never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by
Tibetan veterinarians.
- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you
something to wipe your nose on.
- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine
a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do
not go into the woods alone.
- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side
dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent
hockey puck.
- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by
shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband
of your underwear.
- The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes
excellent kindling.
- The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
- It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.
- Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly
country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table
will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
- In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to
strangle a snoring tent mate.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Bills-Punch-Line' ]
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