"Cat Resolutions"
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My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am
at peace with that.
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I will not leap into my human's chair which she has
temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the
bum when she sits back down.
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I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for
no reason after my human has finished watching a horror
movie.
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I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes
his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then
sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human
might find it amusing, but my male human does not
appreciate it, especially in front of company.
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I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
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I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
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I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting
on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
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I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.
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I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall
in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter.
(It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur)
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I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.
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I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the
glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be
my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll
over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your
own teeth.)
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I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for
late-night snacks.
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I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in
the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and
yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can
admire my "kill."
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I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m.
with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort
and he wakes up all grumpy.
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I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of
the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
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We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over
my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
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Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
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I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds
outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window
and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get
up and do the same thing again.
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I will not assume the patio door is open when I race
outside to chase leaves
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I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the
bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend
how graceful I am.
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I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am
thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
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I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath
and singe my butt.
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I will not stick my paw into any container to see if
there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and
scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber
cement out of my fur.
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If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
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It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
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Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have
to answer them.
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When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg
instead, I will not bite on my own foot. This hurts,
and my scream scares my human.
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When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the
house. It is not necessary to check every door.
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Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock
it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
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I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather
small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side)
and expect the birds to just fly in.
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I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and
raucous manner.
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The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see
me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me
smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should
take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and
laugh.
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Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard.
There have been for several years. I don't have to act as
if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe
each time one of them appears in my window.
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I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of
these days, it will really come true.
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When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air
and attempt to catch them.
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I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on
the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
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When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms
are *not* a hammock.
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Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.
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I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need
my help installing a new board in her computer.
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I will not bring the city police to the front door by
stepping on the speaker phone button and then the
automatic 911 dial button.
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I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
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I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
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Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in
the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms)
stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free
in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
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I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't
laughing so hard.
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I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea
pig likes to sleep once in a while.
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The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed
to remain in its bowl.
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I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it
to stay there until I get hungry.
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I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind
the toilet.
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I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are
holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them
underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
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I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will
start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and
"Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like
"MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
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I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss
her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is
forgiven and can now pet me.
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I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how
much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
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If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a
fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
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If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests,
my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big
live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
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I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make
tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea
and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get
delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or
the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks,
dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the
catnip toy away from me.
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After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a
larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not
leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then
jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.
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A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' (Aiken@AikensLaughs.com) ]
Inspirational Humor
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