Dog and Cat Medicus

The 'How To' give your Dog or Cat a Pill.

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DOG:

1. Put the pill in a piece of meat.
   
   
2. Drop meat in dogs mouth -- to retain your fingers.

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CAT:

1. Pick up the cat and gently cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
   
   
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
   
   
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
   
   
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
   
   
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
   
   
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
   
   
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
   
   
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
   
   
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply bandage to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
   
   
10. Retrieve cat from neighbors's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and gently close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
    
    
11. Get screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink remaining beer left unspilled. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw shredded tee-shirt away and get a new one from bedroom.
    
    
12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid hitting the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
    
    
13. Tie the little sweet kitty's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Get heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a piece of meat. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
    
    
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill wedged under your right eyelid. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
    
    
15. Arrange for SPCA to find and pick-up the mutant cat from hell. Then call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
    

[ Author unknown -- from Jake, via Jeff Nickerson ]