Headlines from My Life

My favorite kind of news stories are the ones with a headline like this: Cameron Wins Powerball Lottery. Then I want a brief paragraph, nothing more, describing the circumstances: "Lottery officials announced today that they were 'stunned' that the same person could win the Lotto three times in one year."

I've often wondered what would happen if this journalistic style—headline, and then paragraph—were applied to the actual events of my life. Like this:

Lumpy Socks Cancel Family Hike

A scheduled family hike today was canceled indefinitely when W. Bruce Cameron's teenaged son announced there were crippling lumps in his socks. Investigation into the cause of these lumps was inconclusive. Replacement socks were called for, which led to a heated discussion among the Cameron children on whose turn it was to do laundry. Eventually the father of the family, speaking on condition of agitation, suggested the son clean his room as an alternative exercise. The son, when reached for comment, rejected this idea because his room was "smelly."

"Most Popular" Title Still Up For Grabs

Controversy erupted this week in a dispute over which Cameron daughter was "Most Popular" back in high school, with both women claiming the title. Official records do not reveal the result of any voting. To support her argument, the younger daughter produced a yearbook and pointed out she had several more signatures in it, but the older daughter countered that she had more actual photographs of herself in hers. Attempts by the father to mediate the dispute were dismissed by both parties on the grounds that he was, in their words, "like the least popular guy in his high school."

Tape Recording Deemed Insufficient Evidence

W. Bruce Cameron has pronounced a tape recording offered by his son as "insufficient evidence" of snoring.

"The snoring on the tape could be anyone," Cameron stated. "It sounds fake," he added.

Family Makes Astounding Discovery

On a recent stormy afternoon, with a power outage wiping out the television and the phone lines knocked down by the winds, the children of a local family made an astounding discovery.

"There are like all these books," explained the middle child.

The children in the family spent more than an hour reading before it was discovered that the cell phone still worked, and then they devoted the rest of the afternoon to arguing over who got to use it.

College Student Declares War

The daughter of W. Bruce Cameron announced this weekend a willingness to "go to war" over her father's attempt to enforce "high-school rules" when she visits home. As a demonstration of the power of her arsenal, the daughter decimated Cameron's food supplies and bombarded his laundry room with dirty clothes. Later, she tied up his lines of communication with long phone calls to former high-school friends she "hadn't seen in like forever."

"I was very popular in high school," Cameron's daughter states.

Unnamed sources inside the family advise she wasn't as popular as she claims and that her yearbook proves it.

Dog Makes Bid for Freedom

In an apparent escape attempt, the Cameron family dog was recently discovered excavating a large hole by some recently planted bushes in the yard. A search of the apprehended animal revealed that he was carrying some civilian clothes, a fake I.D. and an unnamed amount of cash.

Father Can Cook Nothing

A local father, fed up with the groaning and fake projectile vomiting that greets his every attempt to prepare dinner, recently challenged his children to name their favorites meals, and he would cook those.

"Nothing," the children were quoted as saying.

"He should just order pizza," his older daughter told the media.

Cameron issued a statement saying "we can't have pizza every night," but not everyone agrees with this.

"You can get all of your nutritional requirements from the toppings, except I don't like mushrooms," Cameron's son explains. "Or vegetables."

"When you order Hawaiian, the pineapple has vitamins," the older daughter stated.

"I don't like pineapple," the Cameron son responded.

Columnist not a Newspaper Man

Editors of Cameron's newspaper, having read this column, wish to make it clear that Cameron is neither reporter nor journalist, which is why he has no "standards" for what makes a worthy newspaper article.

~ Bruce Cameron ~
Copyright © 2011
All Rights Reserved

[ by W. Bruce Cameron Copyright © 2011 (bruce@wbrucecameron.com) -- {used with permission} ]