History
*History Through Eyes of 6th Graders
(actual answers to a 6th grade history test).
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Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and
they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died
before he ever reached Canada.
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Solomom had three hundred wives and seven
hundred porcupines.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
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Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went
around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates
died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his
career suffered a dramatic decline. This may be true!
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In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
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Joan of Arch was burnt to a steak and was
cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a
queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before
her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
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It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of
blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Fransis Drake circumsized the world with a
100-foot clipper.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was
William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in
Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be
laid by (beside) Juliet.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was
Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then
his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. This also
has a logical ring of truth.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed
the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,
and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity
by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he
was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing
the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April
14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a large number of children.
In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so
was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian
and half English. He was very large.
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Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by
hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention
of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper,
which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one
of the Marx Brothers.
*Their teacher prefers to remain anonymous!!
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' (Aiken@AikensLaughs.com) ]
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