Holiday Eating Tips
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Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In
fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.
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Drink as much eggnog as you can. And
quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's
rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic
or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's
Christmas!
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If something comes with gravy, use it. That's
the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand
alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the
volcano. Repeat.
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As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim,
pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.
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Do not have a snack before going to a party
in an effort to control your eating. The whole point
of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
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Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that
in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
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If you come across something really good
at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies
in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near them and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you're never going to see them again.
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Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.
Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like
mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
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Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories,
but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
standards.
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One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips and start over -- but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
[ Author Unknown -- thanks Mary, from 'LABLaughs' (LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com) ]
Inspirational Humor
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