How to Administer Medication to Your Cat
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Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
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Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
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Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
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Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.
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Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
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Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously
rub cat's throat.
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Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later.
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Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
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Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans,
drink something strong to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid
to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
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Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.
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Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of your last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
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Tie the little *$#'s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table,
find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down.
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Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
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Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat and ring local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Aiken Drum' (Aiken@AikensLaughs.com) ]
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