Humble Bank Client

A letter we should all send to our bank manager. This is an actual letter (allegedly) sent to a bank in the USA. The bank thought it was amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account for $50 by way of a penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be lighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs immediately, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your bank.

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you. However, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offense under the postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.

My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
   
   
2. To query a missing repayment.
   
   
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
   
   
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
   
   
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
   
   
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
   
   
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
   
   
8. To leave a message on my computer; a password is required to access my computer. The password will be communicated at a later date to the bank contact person.
   
   
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9 again.
   

The contact person will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best Of Woody Guthrie's" music:

"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it all by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost -- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Enquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Sincerely,
      Frank Lee FedUp
Your humble bank client.

[ Unknown (N.Y. Times) -- from Mike & Donald, via Jeff -- Ed:anon ]