If _____ Made Toasters
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If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their
toaster was compatible with all brands and
styles of bread, but when you got it home
you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant Extension was
three years away and that, indeed, the whole
appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They
would market the Reverse Toaster, which
takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
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If IBM made toasters... They would want one
big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would
claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
toasters.
-
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided
or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter
and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
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If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell
you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you
could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
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If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be
able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
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If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million
but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster
in the world.
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If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be
a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top
of it. Their service department would have an unlisted
phone number and the blueprints for the box would be
highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.
-
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a
secret trap door that only the NSA could access in
case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.
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If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would
be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is
meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
belt.
-
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and
small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking
and keep on toasting.
-
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster'
would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the
bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
-
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought
a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh
15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop),
draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you
want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good
bread only works with their toasters.
-
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the
Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'lablaughsclean-subscribe@topica.com' ]
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