Learned On the Net
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top
of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at
all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no
longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without
taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in
my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.
Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap
in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me
know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it
will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping
malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they
are French and don't support our American troop s or the Salvation
Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any
sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement
pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send
this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician . . . . Have a wonderful day . . . .
PS. A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off
now - it's too late ! ! !
[ From Danny Holdren, via 'Grace Mail' (gracemail-subscribe@MyInJesus.com) ]
Inspirational Humor
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