Mammogram Appointment
I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the
chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd
totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So ... what
are you here for?"
Talk about a show stopper. Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet"
announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought, "Great ... now
he has a name to match the idiot's face." I rushed past the giggles
and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one
side and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into this room right
heeere, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything
clearrrr?" I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try drinking decaf. This ain't
rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a
perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice ... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a
cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the
right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and
said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so
we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard,
then felt, ZAP!! Complete darkness!!
"What happened?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag," Belinda said as
she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me trapped in this thing, are you?" I
shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the
door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights 'til the
power
comes back on. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout, "NO!", she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life.
After exchanging polite, "Hi, how's it going," type greetings, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes ... yes we did, thanks." "You bet, take care." Bubba
replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in the line at the
grocery store.
What felt like two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a
sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh
I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you!
And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps!
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
Inspirational Humor
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