Midwest Wisdom
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners
and Californians cross into states such as Oklahoma, Kansas, and
Nebraska, the Tourism Councils in those states have adopted a new
policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural
Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each
person as they enter the states.
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That slope-shouldered farm body did more work before breakfast
than you do all week at the gym.
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It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive
because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
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We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we shot Bambi, we got over it.
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Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will
get you whipped...by our women.
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Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us when
a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little 13 inch trout you fish for - "bait".
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Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot.
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If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.
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That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.
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No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a
glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
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You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.
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So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use four weeks
a year.
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12. Let's get it straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
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Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.
So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
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Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too - and turtle. Your really want
sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
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They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 69 goes two ways. State Road 24 goes the other
two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
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The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
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So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
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Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish.
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That Officer, be it Conservation Officer, sheriff deputy, city
police, or highway patrol that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot - his name is "Sir".
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
Inspirational Humor
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