Preparation for Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience
of being a mother or father.
-
(Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine
months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
-
(Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist
to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your
salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the
paper and read it for the last time.
-
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it's the
last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
-
To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again
with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go
back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am.
Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the
dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
-
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your
fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover
the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?
-
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy
an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the
string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for
this: all moring.
-
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube.
Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a
Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and
an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place
on the play group committee.
-
Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in
the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in
the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies.
Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides
of the car. There! Perfect!
-
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.
Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down
it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to
inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum,
dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the
neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the
house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk.
-
Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your
local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
-
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot
Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot
of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
-
Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street,
and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I love you,
you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!
[ Author Unknown -- from 'andychaps_the-funnies' ]
Inspirational Humor
SkyWriting.Net
All Rights Reserved.
|