Rules Of Housecleaning
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Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.
Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately
whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
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Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when
disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The
Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological
exemption.
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Layers of dirty film on windows and screens
provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays
from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it
alone.
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Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades
reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a
romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that
the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted
and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
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In a pinch, you can always claim that the
haphazard tower of unread magazines and
newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable
Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your
vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
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Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against
the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there
to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for
underprivileged children.
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If unexpected company is coming, pile everything
unsightly into one room and close the door. As you
show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the
door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love
you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed
and the shots are SO expensive."
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If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a
showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is
where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
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Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over
a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to
muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the
week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't
had the heart to clean it..."
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Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household
cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist
the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous
locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself
onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I
still don't get anywhere..."
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Twisted Straw' ]
Inspirational Humor
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