Santa Claus is a Woman?
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred
myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social event - and I have a hard time believing a guy could possibly pull it
all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on December 24th, when they - with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think
this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me
it's an enormous relief; because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making
burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if
Santa was a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to
find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree; still in the shopping bag.
Another problem for a "he-Santa" would be getting there. First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead - gutted and strapped on
to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems - because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney,
where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in
the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every
gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be
seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even
in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick-up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ....
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definitely a guy!
- Cupid flies around carrying sharp weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening
test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other,
good will, peace on earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version of "The
Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S!
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Thomas S. Ellsworth' (tellswor@slonet.org) -- Ed:Anon. ]
Inspirational Humor
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