Survival Tips
-
Don't try to live with anyone who insists on
alphabetizing your spice rack.
-
When someone tells you that what he's about to say
is "for your own good," expect the worst.
-
Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving
a pickup truck with a gun rack.
-
If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it
whole.
-
When a politician says, "Let me make something
perfectly clear..." remember that he usually won't.
-
After a certain age, if you say something outrageous, everyone
will
think it's cute. Take advantage of this.
-
Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They
make up for all of the things you got away with that
nobody knows about.
-
Don't wait for the funeral to say something kind or
nice about someone.
-
Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be
in your attic and basement forever.
-
If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on
the evening news, don't do it.
-
If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't
put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
-
Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the
top bunk.
-
If a man has to hire a public relations firm to shape
his image, he doesn't know who he is, and more
important, he doesn't want you to find out.
-
The only receipt you don't save is the only one you'll
need later.
-
If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought that you
probably made someone else's day...maybe even their week. Think of
your
humiliation as an act of charity.
-
Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes
the toilet when you're taking a shower.
-
The value of a cat is its utter indifference to its
owner's importance.
-
Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators,
because you won't have an excuse not to clean there.
-
Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend;
you can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying
to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.
-
Think like a good actor: Observe, observe, observe.
-
It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's
snowsuit will cause him/her to wet her pants. There
is no known cure for this.
-
The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how
much fun it is to be idiotic.
-
Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote
control in the same room at the same time.
-
If you want to hide candy bars so you can eat them
after the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in
a paper bag labeled "Fish."
-
Know when to leave the stage. Like right now.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Buffalos Chips' (buffalos-g-jokes.yahoogroups.com) ]
Inspirational Humor
SkyWriting.Net
All Rights Reserved.
|