Teen Ready House
(From a pamphlet produced by our government for home buyers)
Dear Prospective Homeowner:
In the event you are considering purchase of a home that is new ("New") or existing
("Not New"), the following tests will help you determine whether the dwelling is
structurally appropriate for teenagers. Please note that these steps only simulate
living with a teenager; nothing can actually duplicate the experience, though
spending five years running with wild dogs might come close.
The "I'm Angry And So Is My Door" test: To determine whether your interior doors can
withstand the temper tantrums of teenagers, repeatedly slam a small bedroom door
with a force somewhere between "Sledgehammer" and "Train Wreck." If it helps
you get in the mood, feel free to shout "I hate you!" while doing so. After twenty-nine
such slams (an average week's worth) check the foundation for cracks. If no fissures are
evident, you aren't slamming the door hard enough.
The "I Did Clean My Room" test: Take two baskets of dirty clothes and two baskets of
clean clothes and distribute them chaotically throughout a bedroom. Can you see
carpet? If you can see carpet, add more clothes. When you cannot see any carpet, add
more clothes. Then stand in the middle of the room and shout "I can't find anything
to wear!"
The "Why Does It Matter If I Can't Hear You I'm Not Going To Listen Anyway" test:
Place a CD in a stereo and turn up the volume as high as it will go. Repeat this
with more stereos in each bedroom of the house. When the decibel level exceeds that
of the launch of a space shuttle, open any unbroken windows and see whether your
neighbors complain. If they don't, you need either (a) more stereos or (b) different
neighbors. You simply cannot fully appreciate the Living-with-Teenagers Experience
if your neighbors don't complain about your children.
The "But I Had To Rinse My Hair" test: Fully drain your hot-water tank, then try to
take a shower because you're late to a meeting. Next, place a kitchen timer in the
bathroom with a note saying "ABSOLUTELY NO SHOWERS LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES," then
ignore the note and drain the hot-water tank exactly as before and pretend you're
late for another meeting. Repeat this test until you become accustomed to cold
showers in the morning.
The "Doesn't Anybody Check the Pockets in This Stupid Family?" test: Place a
lipstick in the pocket of a pair of pants and then do a load of laundry. If all the
clothing comes out stained, It Isn't Her Fault. If the clothing does not come out
stained, repeat the test until it does. For the full Teenage Experience, repeat the
test every three weeks or so for five years.
The "Why Can't We Just Order a Pizza?" test: Fill the refrigerator with food, then
stand in front of it with the door open and shriek "There's nothing to eat in this
house!"
The "Why Can't I Stay Out Later than Midnight No One Else Has Such a Stupid Curfew!"
test: This test has two stages. In stage one, scream the title of the test loudly
and stomp your foot as hard as you can. If this hurts your foot, try simulating the
impact by dropping a cement block from a helicopter. In stage two, drive an
automobile at high speed through the neighborhood, pulling into your driveway at
fifty miles an hour at one minute before midnight. Park the car with the interior
dark for half an hour while the father of the house paces frantically in front of
the window. Flick lights on and off several times. Repeat this process every weekend
for as long as you live in the house.
The "I Am Doing My Homework" test: Turn on the television, then lie on the floor in
front of it, talking on the telephone.
The "It Wasn't a Party, I Just Had Some Friends Over!" test: Leave town for a
weekend. When you come back, check to see if the house is still standing.
If the structure passes all of the tests, you can live in it with teenagers. The
question is, why would you want to?
- Bruce Cameron -
[ by
W. Bruce Cameron Copyright © 2004, (bruce@wbrucecameron.com) -- {used with permission} ]
