Tools

• Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
  
  
• Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
  
  
• Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
  
  
• Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
  
  
• Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
  
  
• Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
  
  
• Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
  
  
• Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
  
  
• Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
  

[ Author Unknown -- from 'Pastor Tim' ]