Working Out
Dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health
club for me. Although I am still in great shape since
playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
-
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed,
but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a
Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo !!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!
-
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
-
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she
gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent
a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
-
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed, as her thin cruel lips were pulled back in
a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late;
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room... She sent
Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
-
FRIDAY: I hate that harpy Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other human being in the history
of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it!
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a drama coach or a choir director?
-
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote, and ended up watching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.
-
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I
will also pray that next year, my wife (the harpy 2), will
choose a gift for me that is fun -- maybe something like a
root canal or a vasectomy.
[ Author Unknown -- from 'Lab Laughs' (LABLaughsClean@topica.com) ]
Inspirational Humor
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