As I lie in my bed with four amazing kids piled all around and even on top of me, I can't help but go to that quiet place in my soul. You know that place-the place where you meet with your Creator and listen quietly for His voice. Music fills my head. Music speaks to my soul like nothing else can, and I hear the words of one of my favorite songs -- 'If You Want Me To' by Ginny Owens.
'So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if you want me to.'
Have you ever thought that you knew what it meant to go through trials only to be tried again and realize that you barely had a glimpse? A year ago I thought I was at the end of my rope. My husband didn't have a job, we were living with my in-laws, and we only had one running vehicle…which didn't always run. I sang this song by Ginny Owens at church one Sunday as tears welled up in my eyes because it seemed so real to me. It was real. I was hurting. And I certainly didn't understand why I had to face the trials I was facing.
I sit here one year later and realize that I'm not any closer to knowing the answer to that question. I sit here with more trials under my belt. I have literally been through a fire. My son and I spent over a week in separate hospitals recovering from 2nd and 3rd degree burns. My husband has had two hernia surgeries. My son has had 22 stitches from jumping through a glass table. My husband tore his ACL playing a game of basketball, and he still doesn't have a steady job. Although we have two vehicles now, they seem to break down at the most inopportune times. I have medical bills I can't pay. I honestly don't know from one month to the next if I'm going to be able to pay any bills. I laugh at the 'me' from last year for thinking things were so hopeless then. I thought I was at the end of my rope, but it seems I've lost my grip of the rope entirely now.
I cry out to my Father wondering why He's allowing this. Where is He? Why doesn't He fix this mess? Do I not matter enough to Him for Him to bring me just a glimpse of hope?
Then I remember Moses. He spent 40 years tending sheep in the desert before God appeared in a burning bush and eventually revealed His plan for Moses' life. What about Joseph? He was sold into slavery by his own brothers and it was 25 years before it was evident to him that God had a plan and a purpose in his situation.
And I complain about one year of trials that I don't understand.
I whine because my husband doesn't have a steady job…forgetting that God has never let us go hungry and has always provided the money we need at the exact moment we need it.
I wonder why we had to endure a house fire…forgetting the profound lesson I learned as I pulled my adopted son from a burning closet-it's only through God's love in us that mothers are capable of such love.
I stress about unpaid bills…forgetting that God is slowly but surely teaching me how to trust Him with my every need.
I cry at the pain I've had to watch my son endure...forgetting that God spared his life.
My questions to God seem a little out of place in the scheme of things now. Yes...I still struggle. I still ask why. I still wish I could see the ultimate plan and purpose He has for me in this situation.
But I can see the character He's building in me and the spiritual hunger He's giving me. Just as I see the frayed end of my rope starting to unravel, I realize that it's only in my darkest moments that the light in my soul can shine. Besides that, if I never let go of the rope how can I ever expect my Father to catch me?
And for me...well...I guess that's enough of an answer for now.
~ Trisha LaCoste ~
trishakay79@yahoo.com
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Trisha LaCoste is a wife, mother, and photographer who lives in Alabama with her husband, Anthony, and their four children. Hunter, Mason, Kyla, and Jayden give her inspiration daily to use her photography and wiriting skills. You can check out her website at www.lacostephotography.com.
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