(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

[Aiken Drum]
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THE EVILS OF SIN

A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.

"We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."

[Andy Chap]
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RUDE HUSBAND

A man was driving his car with his wife when he was suddenly stopped by a cop. The cop says, "Good evening sir, you were going 60 in a 50 Km zone." The guy says, "No, I wasn't."

The wife turns to him and says, "Yes, dear you were."

The man says, "Why don't you hush up?"

Then the cop says, "You also didn't have your seat belt on sir."

Naturally the guy says, "Sure I had it on."

Again the woman says, "No honey you didn't."

The man turns around and says to the woman, "I told you to keep quite."

Then the cop bends down and says to the woman, "Excuse me ma'am but is this your husband?"

The woman says, "Yes."

"Is he always this mean and rude to you?"

The woman says, "No officer, he's normally very nice; except when he is DRUNK."

[Unknown]
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EXPENSIVE DRESS

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

[keepAhead Jokes]
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HEARING PROBLEM

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

[LABLaughs]
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CHURCH

Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.

"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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AN ENGINEER!....

An Engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks in his records and declares, "Ah, you are an Engineer. You seem to be in the wrong place."

So the Engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the Engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell. Thanks to him, they have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators built and installed. The Engineer is a very popular guy.

One day God calls up the Devil and says, "Hey, how are things going down there?"

The Devil replies, "Things are great. We've got an Engineer and who knows what he'll think of next."

God replies "What?! You've got an engineer?! That's a mistake! Send him up here now!"

Satan says "No way!"

God replies, "If you don't I'll sue!" Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right! And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

[LABLaughs]
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GOOD VS. EVIL

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain’t no Lord!"

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain’t no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

[JokeBank]
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INSPIRING MUSIC

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."

[keepAhead Jokes]
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THE END IS NEAR

A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[Aiken Drum]
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NEW BABY

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says.........."Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.

[LABLaughs]
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COMMUTING

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think your transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town 'seated' on his donkey... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years! Yours truly, A Long 'Standing' Commuter"

[keepAhead Jokes]
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A BEAR

I want to be a bear......

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...... I want to be a bear!

[Larie McGuire, via Pastor Tim]
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WASHROOM

Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.

I went into the washroom.

The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall... Hi there, how's it going?"

Now I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "...Not bad..."

Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?"

I thought that was kind of weird, but I said, "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back East..."

The voice interrupted, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this goober in the next stall keeps answering me!"

[Ralph Campbell, via Clean Laughs]
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GOLFER AND THE FUNERAL

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."

[LABLaughs]
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CAPTAIN SPEAKING

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

[Aiken Drum]
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DOG EDITOR

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister."

[Cup o' Cheer]
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SERMON BLOOPER

A large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers.

One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head, but it seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,

"And I can't remember who she was!"

[keepaheadJokes]
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JURY EXEMPTION

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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DRESS ALIKE

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."

"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

[cleanlaugh]
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On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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