(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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CAT AND MOUSE

There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave.

While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my walk."

So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"

[LABLaughs]
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MISSED FERRY?

A guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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LOST?

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explains that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh, Morris," says grandma, "you've been going to that park for 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma so that the policeman can't hear, Morris whispers, "I wasn't lost; I was just too tired to walk home."

[LABLaughs]
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YES, DEAR

An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years sitting at his bedside. "Is that you Ethel, at my side again?" he whispered.

"Yes, dear," she answered.

He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran's Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in a fire. and Ethel, when we were poor - you stuck with me then too."

The man sighed and then said, "I tell you Ethel, you are bad luck!"

[Aiken Drum]
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ANOTHER FLASH

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic department and tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.

A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an envelope from the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were for NOT wearing a seat belt.

[Aiken Drum]
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SHOPPING

A man went to the store with his 3 year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store. "That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.

"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.

Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and daughter into the car seat in one swift motion, and hopped in himself. "That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.

"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," the father replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."

As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction. In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said,

"That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

[Keith Todd]
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday."

Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

[Becky Shiles]
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OLD MAN

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

[LABLaughs]
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MY BIRTHDAY

On my birthday, my two children ordered me to stay in bed. I lay there looking forward to being brought my breakfast, as the inviting smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

At last the children called me downstairs. I found them sitting at the table, each with a large plate of bacon and eggs. "As a birthday surprise," one explained, "we've cooked our own breakfast."

[Becky Shiles]
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ANOTHER CHANCE

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in the game.

So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began moan and groan, and were screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[LABLaughs]
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OOPS . . . .

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said "That's what they said the LAST time too!!!"

[Keith Todd]
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FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

A man asked his wife, "What would you like most for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the "Death Slide," the "Screaming Loop," the "Wall of Fear"... She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her stomach upside-down.

Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake.

Then off to a theater they went to see Star Wars and eat hot dogs, popcorn, cola, and sweets.

At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened, she groaned, "Actually, I meant my dress size."

[LABLaughs]
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AN ORCHESTRA

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He talked several times to the drummer, but his performance just never improved.

One day, before the whole orchestra, the conductor said, "When a musician can't play his instrument properly and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

[Anonymous musician]
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EXPENSIVE DOCTORS

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

[keepAhead]
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My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."

"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn't it."

[Aiken Drum]
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BEAR WARNING

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:

"In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:

Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

[keepAhead]
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PREACHING AXIOMS

Axiom #1: Any illustration can be massaged to fit any lesson.

Axiom #2: If a story is funny enough, it doesn't have to fit the lesson.

Axiom #3: A sermon that is "too short" is rarer than Big-foot at a photographer's convention.

Axiom #4: The kid who screams and throws a fit every week will wait until the quietest, most focused and serious moment of your sermon to let 'er rip.

Axiom #5: The member who always gripes that you don't preach enough on (pick one) baptism/faith/giving/witnessing will be out of town on vacation the week you preach your best sermon ever on baptism/faith/giving/witnessing

[Source: 'Monday Fodder']
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ACTIVE BOYS

One summer evening, he was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.

One of the boys "shot" his father and yelled, "Bang! You're dead!"

He slumped to the ground and when he didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."


(Andy says... Yes, I know this was originally a "Mothers" Joke,
but it adapts well for fathers too, don't you think?)

[Andy Chap]
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BIBLE AND LIONS

A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.

He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.

Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.

Moral of the story: Don't read between the "lions."     ;-)

[off-the-church-walls]
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FAVORITES

Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She said, "No," and slammed it down.

"Who was that?"

"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.

Then it rang again. Nancy listened, said, "Kit Kat," and hung up.

"What now?" I asked.

"A boy plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket."

The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch. "But, Mom," our daughter protested when she heard the story, "Kit Kat isn't my favorite candy."

"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."

[Sermon_Fodder]
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On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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