JOKE JESTER
Page 6 of 10
(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)
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THE OFFERING
A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an
offering for the visiting minister.
Presently it was returned to him... embarrassingly empty.
Slowly the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully.
Then raising his eyes heavenward, and he exclaimed, "I thank you,
Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
[Loney (Loney535@aol.com)]
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HEARING PROBLEMS?
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
[LABLaughs]
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JUST ASK
A father and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a
couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started
thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he
asked his father some questions.
"How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know,
son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another
one, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind
my asking you all of these questions?"
His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son. If you
don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
[Colorado Comments]
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BROKEN ENGAGEMENT
Dear Marty,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now
realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not
have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge
in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you
instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn
everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I
have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my
daughter.
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!
[Pastor Tim]
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GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?
A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce.
He is taking all of her background information and asks her,
"Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the
attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she
responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell
me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks,
"Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because 'he' can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
[LABLaughs]
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HEAVENLY QUESTIONS
A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly
Gates.
The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more
strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip
into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate:
"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?
"I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply.
"You may enter" says the Angel.
Second candidate, same question.
"I made $95,000, I was a realtor."
He is also permitted to enter.
Now it is the third man's turn.
"My annual salary was $3,600."
"Cool." replies the Angel, "and how long were you a Pastor?"
[keepAhead]
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UNDERSTANDING FOOTBALL
A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the
game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it, and then for the rest of the
game they all kept screaming:
Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
[andychaps_the-funnies]
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TICKETS
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's
Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Onlookers watched with varying degrees of sympathy and
irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and
punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded
them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please,"
the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
[Aiken Drum]
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DO YOU A HAVE LIGHT?
Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a
sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on
everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned
it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face
appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The
passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window
halfway.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"Do you have any tobacco?" asked the old man. The
passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away.
"Go faster!" said the passenger. "I don't want to see
him again!" So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph.
But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared,
the passenger rolls down his window again.
"Do you have a light?" said the old man's face. Trembling,
the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And the old man
went away.
"Drive faster!" said the passenger. So they pushed it to
100 mph. But ten minutes later, the face returns. "What do
you want from us?" screamed the passenger.
The old man gently replied "You jackasses want some help
getting out of the mud?"
[LABLaughs]
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O-O-P-S !
My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't
understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had
become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at
the soup aisle.
An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then
nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my
husband and said, "Boy, is she r-u-d-e!"
"Yeah," he replied, "and I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."
[Aiken Drum]
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SOME CANDLE
There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they
could, were unable to produce little children. After consulting
everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still
unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your
prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children
shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am
visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything
will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite
some time -15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a
visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the
States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he
remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years
ago. Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who
sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds
of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the
thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house.
More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom!
In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife. "My dear," the
priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your
husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"
"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.
"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "To blow out that
candle you lit!"
[Colorado Comments]
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BASEBALL HEAVEN?
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench
feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do
every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's
baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But
let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell
you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you
do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe
passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there
feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice
whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to
ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
[LABLaughs]
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HOPE FOR NON-RECOGNITION
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in
the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and
take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't
see us or recognize my pickup."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it
make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who
counts."
The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
[andychaps_the-funnies]
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GET AWAY FROM MY DEER....
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down
to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage. Jake asks her, What are you up to? Alice smiles,
and says: "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake had many
reservations, but reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely
up in a tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take
careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I
hear the shot. Jake walks away with a smile on his face
knowing that Alice couldn't hit the side of an elephant -- much less a
fast moving deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an
array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back to her. As
Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get
away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from
my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is
surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You
can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
[LABLaughs]
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PRIESTLY DUTIES
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go
golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick,
and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God,
"Are you really going to let him get away with this?"
"No, I guess not," says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he
doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty
when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the
ball 495 yards away and gets a hole-in-one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, "Why did you
let him do that?"
To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
[LABLaughs]
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CHICKEN ROCKET
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate
the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers were shocked as the chicken
hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified
Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with
the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "THAW THE CHICKENS!"
[Colorado Comments]
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NERD HUNTING
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for
a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door
saying "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils,
and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a
word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is
totally shocked.
"Why did you do that?"
"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in
season now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and
the load shifts. The trucks back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has
ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car,
screaming, "Stop!"
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck
driver. "Yes, but you can't BAIT 'em!"
[keepAhead]
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MOSES CALLS A STAFF MEETING
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in
hot pursuit.
Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need
a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we
build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not
enough time -- the Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we
build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses: You! You have a solution?
The PR Man -- No, but I can promise you this: If you can find
a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in
the Old Testament!
[LABLaughs]
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SKIING ACCIDENT
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the
time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was
having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The
doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot
water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid,
but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for
swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly
subsided.
On Monday morning he called his Dr. again, to complain. "Say Doc,
what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in
hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it
got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it -- my maid said
hot water."
[keepAhead]
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SECURITY QUESTIONS
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where
my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at
the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security
questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you
didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to
her son. He paused for a second, looked at me very carefully and
asked: "Does she like you?"
[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .
[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]
Page 6 of 10
Inspirational Humor
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