(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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PASTORS

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all of mine, and made them members of the church.... Haven't seen one of 'em back since!!!"

[Denial Nichols]
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INSURANCE APPLICATION

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way'."

[LABLaughs]
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JUDGE'S DECISION

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.

. . . "Now then, I've returned the $5,000 difference, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

[Aiken Drum]
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VETERINARIAN MYSTERIES

An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

[From (Cascade_Express-owner@yahoogroups.com), via Keith Todd]
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BUSTED!

He was a young Pastor and as usual the enemy would try to stir up trouble in the family just before church ... so they were running late getting into town ... and he was speeding.

Then to top it off, he looked in the review mirror only to see the lights of the Highway Patrol ........... busted! Already late for church and figuring he'd try for leniency, he quickly slapped his Bible on the dash of his car as the trooper walked up to the window and asked to see his drivers license.

Looking at his name and title on the license, the trooper asked, "You're a Reverend huh?" The young Pastor affirmed that.

The trooper then began writing out a speeding ticket and said, "Well Reverend; your speedometer runneth over."

As the trooper handed him the ticket and started to walk away, his last comment was, "Oh, by the way .... the Bible on the dash .... nice touch."

[Marla McGeorge, via Pastor Tim]
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GROCERY STORE

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.

He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them.

"This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."

[Pastor Tim]
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MORRIS THE JEWELER

Morris the jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Officer. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked Morris. "Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler . . . . "He had a stocking over his head."

[keepAhead]
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DIVINE INTERVENTION

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Bill Gates."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

[Arizona Humor]
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FIRE

Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that some shubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it to call the fire department.

She ran to the phone, and he heard her place the call. She identified herself, gave the location, and explained the situation.

"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want to put it out?"

[Aiken Drum]
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MOST PERFECT

Our dentist recently hired a beautiful young blonde as a dental hygenist. We exchanged small talk for half an hour as she cleaned my teeth and I gazed into her pale-blue eyes.

When she finished, she smiled and said, "You have the most perfect mouth." My heart skipped a beat.

Then she continued, "Usually I have a lot of trouble reaching people's wisdom teeth, but your mouth is so big that I can get both hands in easily.

[Reader's Digest]
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PLAY GOLF

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, You want to mess around or you want to play golf??."

[LABLaughs]
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MIDDLE NAME?

As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope.

One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up.

After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.

The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.

"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"

[Pastor Tim]
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TALKING DOG

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

[LABLaughs]
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PRAYING DOG

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

The Rabbi asked, "What are doing here with a dog?"

Bernie replied, "The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."

"Honest," says Bernie, "Its true!"

"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school???"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

[Colorado Comments]
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THE CANNIBALS

Five cannibals are hired as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised to be good.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Supervisors, Team Leaders and Project Managers, and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

[Arizona Humor]
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WORRIED SICK

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

[Colorado Comments]
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ELBOW WORK

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed?"

[Colorado Comments]
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TAKE A BREAK

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

[Aiken Drum]
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PLEASE FORGIVE

A driver, parked in an illegal zone, tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

[Colorado Comments]
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NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[andychaps_the-funnies]
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On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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