(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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CLEVER DOG

A large dog walks into a butcher's shop with a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.

"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak--"

"Woof!" interrupts the dog.

"And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo--"

"Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.

As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

"Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That's the most clever animal I've ever seen!"

"Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

[LABLaughs]
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NEW PASTOR

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.

After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.

The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.

The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.

The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."

[Aiken Drum]
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MILITANT ATHEIST

On the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular. After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what 'Trinity' means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."

The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I don't want you to ever forget it. There is only one God -- and we don't believe in him!"

[LABLaughs]
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NO ROOM

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

[Colorado Comments]
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GOOD BISHOP

The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone in his small town look to him for an example, but that all too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the local gossip mill, as well.

This could be wearing; but usually, he was able to provide the good example and escape the tattlers. One night, however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he came to a sudden stopping place.

His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?"

"No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

"Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

"No coffee either, thank you."

In the spirit of conspiracy, she leaned closer and murmured, "I could bring you a 'scotch and soda' in an opaque mug?"

"My dear, this is my last word: NO SODA."

[LABLaughs]
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DIFFERENT VIEWS

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.'

The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.'

The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.'

The fourth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...'

[LABLaughs - Ed:anon.]
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SPIRIT GIVING....!

A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

The next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister stepped into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the 'spirit' in which they were given!"

[ andychap_the-funnies, via 'Sermon Fodder' ]
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THINGS TO DO LIST

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.

As she settled into the car, her face dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "TAKE OUT THE TURKEY."

[Pastor Tim]
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A COKE, PLEASE

I've always ordered beverages one simple way, e.g. "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Mr. Pibb, Fanta, Yahoo and Red Bull."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar lad at a movie theatre for a "dark, cold, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind thechuckled and asked, "Yes sir, and would you like a long, thin, cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

[Thomas S. Ellsworth]
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EXERCISE

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[LABLaughs]
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FOUR PARACHUTES

One night, an old twin-engine plane was flying from Mexico city back to the USA. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, a hippie, and an old missionary reading his Bible. Suddenly, there was loud explosion in the cargo compartment, and the cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the passenger compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash. The good news is that there are four parachutes on-board, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot opened the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With those words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The old missionary and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the missionary spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a long and satisfying life serving the Lord. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

[LABLaughs - Ed:anon.]
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MARRIED!?

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a large stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor in the corner of the room, but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained in the sleeping bag and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

[LABLaughs]
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MENTAL CHALLENGE

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess broached a subject in which he was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him or her a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he or she hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask: 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

[Colorado Comments]
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MOTHER-IN-LAW

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance...

You think about it!

[Mike Holliway (nothawks@avalon.net), via 'off-the-church-walls']
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MINISTER

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note:

"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

[Submitted by Hannelore Dill, via 'Wit and Wisdom']
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ARTHRITIS

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

[keepAhead]
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MEMORY CLINIC

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife . . . "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

[LABLaughs]
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RESPECTING THE DEAD

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I felt it was the right thing to do . . . after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[Colorado Comments]
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ENTRANCE?

Our son, who's in the Army stationed in Georgia, invited my husband and me for a visit.

After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He pointed to a sign that read,

"Sonny's Bar-B-Q -- 'Tank' Parking Available."

[Pastor Tim]
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NEW OFFICE BOY

The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked.

"Yes," he replied "how do you work this thing."

"Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder.

"Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?

[LABLaughs]
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On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]





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