(An On-Going Collection -- New Material at the Top)

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LEGAL PAPER

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company was going to run a power line through his pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, you can not."

"Legally, that paper says we can" -- replied the electric company worker.

As he left and returned to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show him your PAPER!"

[Colorado Comments]
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WASHING DISHES

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner at his apartment. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't even started eating yet."

[Pastor Tim]
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TEN COMMANDMENTS

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

[keepAhead]
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WON'T FLY!

My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground.

I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

A supervisor happened to drop in and heard the conversation between the dispatcher and the mechanic. He got on the radio to ask the mechanic on the other end why they need another helicopter.

The obviously harried mechanic paused before transmitting his reply, then said vaguely, "Well, the one we have won't fly."

The frustrated supervisor pressed the question, "Why won't it fly."

After a long pause came another reluctant response, "Well, I say it won't fly because it's upside down. The pilot says it won't fly because it's under twenty feet of water."

[Aiken Drum]
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SLEEPING PILLS?

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest sleeping pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

[Colorado Comments]
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BIBLE SALESMAN

Wanting to sell Bibles, a man went to the nearest bookstore and said to the owner, "I'd like to have ten Bibles, please."

The owner handed the man the Bibles and the following day, the man returned to the store and asked for twenty more.

"Twenty Bibles!" exclaimed the owner. "I just gave you ten yesterday. What did you do with them?"

"I sold them," the man announced proudly. So, the owner gave him an additional twenty Bibles.

A couple of days later, the man returned to the store and asked for thirty Bibles.

"Thirty Bibles!" gasped the owner. "How are you managing to sell so many Bibles?"

The man explained that he had a stuttering problem. "I go door to door and ask, 'Hi. Do you w-w-want to b-b-b-buy a B-B-B-Bible? If you don't w-w- want to b-b-b-buy a B-B-B-Bible, I can always r-r-r-read it to you!"

[LABLaughs]
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PRAYERS FOR SAFETY

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

[Colorado Comments]
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I DO OR I WILL?

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'."

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was...,
'Of Course I Do'."

[Colorado Comments]
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PHOBIA

Shakey went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A preacher cured me for free."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[off-the-church-walls]
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GOLFERS GETTING OLD

Four old men were out golfing.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

[keepAhead]
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VISITING MINISTER

A preacher was called upon to substitute for the regular minister, who had failed to reach the church because he was delayed in a snowstorm. The speaker began by explaining the meaning of substitute.

"If you break a window," he said, "and then place cardboard there instead, that is a substitute."

After the sermon, a woman who had listened intently shook hands with him and wishing to compliment him actually said, "You were no substitute... You were a real pane!"

[Colorado Comments]
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GOLFING

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently throughout the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

[keepAhead]
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JESUS BIRTH

A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.

First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out.

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."

The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?"

The rabbi says, "Bethlehem".

"Of course!" cried the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania".

[Pastor Tim]
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MIRACLE

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

[Pastor Tim]
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PRAYERFUL GIVING

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with the congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed such a generous offering in the collection plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and to show his thanks he asked her to pick out her three favorite hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

[keepAhead]
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NUN AND WORKERS

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked why.

The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."

[Arizona Humor]
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WHERE YA FROM ?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

[keepingAhead]
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BOB'S SUPER BOWL DECISION

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says, "No." Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again asks the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

[Arizona Humor]
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CARRIER LANDINGS

FLYING into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings. Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because THIS WILL BE OUR FIRST."

[Lt. Kenneth J. Tonelli, courtesy Reader's Digest]
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FINEST PRAYING

Three neighbors were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty."

The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image. The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father."

The third man spoke up and said, "I don't know about those positions, but the finest praying I ever did was upside down in a well."

[Aiken Drum]
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On-Going Clean Short Jokes and Humor . . .

[ Material from many different sources -- Thank You! ]




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